Life in the Catalyst Intensive Week 4 - Self-Compassion
Relationships are tricky. As Chad elaborated on this week in our class on human relationships. Any time two people interact, it is more than just that one moment. Both people are coming to the table with scars and prejudices from past interactions that affect their feelings and tinge their words before either have even spoken. Understanding that the person across from me has scars isn't the hardest thing to remember. What is difficult to remember is that I have those scars and prejudices as well. My own past makes me look for the words and tones from others that reinforce the things I have come to believe about myself. The compassion I gave so easily to another I struggle to give to myself.
When Chad mentioned everyone holds onto a belief they are in some way bad, I realized, that at least for me this holds truth. There are beliefs I hold about myself that go through my head on a daily basis that I am afraid to bring out into the open. Not only because these beliefs are terrible, but because I am ashamed that I have them at all.
With every event or interaction that proves them right, the words of my belief are scratched deeper into the substance of my soul. Burying and hiding these beliefs doesn't keep them away or diminish the hold that they have on my self image. Trying to keep these words secret and private is what causes strife in my relationships. By not allowing myself to accept the existence of these beliefs, I allow them to creep into my words and taint the reactions I have to the words of others.
Self-compassion is the salve that eases the pain of those beliefs and allows the scars of those past pains to heal. Like a physical cut, the first few times you apply ointment to it, it stings. A lot. Sometimes these acknowledgements and acceptances hurt enough that I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of me and I can do nothing but cry. Being in the Catalyst Intensive class helped me to acknowledge I still have plenty of false beliefs to accept and try to heal.