Across the Country and Back to Come Home to Myself
I hate moving! Lord knows I hate moving!!! Does anyone really enjoy moving? Yet once again, I am moving from one side of the US to the other. Along with three cats and my 27-year-old daughter. Fortunately, this time I didn’t have to eliminate an entire life of furniture, books, papers, and clothes. No, this time what I came with is what I will go back with, except with a few more pieces of clothing! Moving is a form of transformation for me, spiritually and emotionally. It stimulates the change I seek when I desire to make significant life changes.
The hardest part of this move was manifesting the funds to get us from Maryland to California. Asking for help is difficult. Even when you know the people. However, this time I had to step outside my comfort zone and ask strangers for help. My daughter was the driving force for this. She suggested the GoFundMe website and wrote the story for the account, which made all the difference. We initially asked for $2000 to cover airline tickets for two humans, three cats and four pieces of luggage. Fortuitously the airline tickets were donated by a Tribe member who had frequent flier miles. Within two weeks we had over $900 in our GoFundMe account from people I knew on Facebook and SHFT, more than enough to get tickets for the cats and pay for the luggage. It took two weeks!!!! Can you believe that!? I was sobbing with gratitude!!! It happened so fast, and the kindness of people was overwhelming!
Home. What is home? For me it’s a place of sanctuary and solace. It’s the only space I get to call MINE, where I can be authentically ME. It’s the space that reflects who I am, what I believe, and is an echo of my values. I share this space with only those people I love, cherish and hold close in my heart. California is my home. I know the people. I resonate with them. We speak the same language. We understand each other. I feel comfortable there. I feel safe in California. I have spent 40 years of my life in California, but for the last 15 years of my life in California, I felt stagnate and unhappy, so moving to Maryland (my birth state) was to create a change of scenery and possibly the beginning of a new life. Alas, it was not to be! So, 19 months living in Maryland only reinforced how much California meant to me. She is my soul!
Preparing for the flight was a bittersweet time for me. The past 19 months had been enlightening, life changing and disheartening. The relationship I desired to create with my mother was never going to be, my leaving was catalyst in confirming this fact. This heartbreaking hurt went to my core, yet, my heart was still singing happily to be going home to California and to the people who loved me and wanted me unconditionally. At the same time, a peacefulness enveloped me. My body knew that this was right! All of it, was right! My tears were for grieving the demise of a relationship which was optimistically nurtured for as long as I can remember. I am a tenacious woman! It took me three years to divorce my husband! I spent 15 years working at a career in legal that told me was not a good fit from the beginning! I honestly don’t like quitting! I have to exhaust myself first and beat myself down before l will concede my original decision to quit was the best one.
We landed in San Francisco. Home. We collected our luggage. We met my friend outside. We loaded up her truck with luggage, cats and us! I still remember her face, her familiar voice, her smile, I was home! Lord knows I was home!!! My heart was calm, my mind was clear, my family was safe, I am truly loved.
March 11th will mark two months since we left Maryland. We have been looking for work from the moment we landed. Two weeks ago, my daughter got a job at a veterinary office and is studying to become a Vet Tech. I am applying to jobs yet haven’t heard anything yet. We are moving forward. I still cry periodically, like now while writing this. I am still feeling peacefulness. Ashley is laughing and interacting with people. I have accepted most of the reality that I am without parents and a sister. I will spend the rest of my life managing the loss, however, it’s a loss I readily embrace.
I am home.