Fighting With “IT” and My Demons
I’ve been starring at this blank space for what seems to be hours, sitting here trying to make sense of it all.
What is “IT?”
My life is going through a whirlwind lately and I can’t seem to get my sense of direction. I’m going to participate in the Catalyst Coaching Intensive and I’m not sure of my footing in this journey. I’m running my first 5K race after losing 67 pounds. Of course there are crowds involved with this and meeting new people is not my forte. This, and so much more has happened to me this year (more than any other time in my life) and I’m trying like hell to put things in order. I’m trying to form a perspective for it all. Maybe that’s half of my problem.
Someone told me once that I had “IT.” What is “IT?”
“IT” is that one thing you have that makes you special now. I’m racking my brain trying to figure out what “IT” is and why am I special. “IT” seems more like a “why” to me.
Why do we do the things that we do? We have to have a “why” or nothing else seems to make sense. Maybe I don’t need to know what “IT” is. Maybe if I did know what “IT” is, I wouldn’t have ”IT” anymore. I would just be aware of “IT,” and I wouldn’t be special anymore.
Nervousness has set in for even more upcoming events in my life now, and I’m beginning to second guess myself. I’m wondering what am I doing here. Why do I think I have what it takes to take on these huge challenges in my life? Life seemed less complicated before I began my journey of self-growth. Less complicated? YES! Less challenging? NO!
The dark demons of my mind are speaking out loud to me and nudging me saying, “Hey you. Remember me? I’ll always be here waiting on you to fail, and you never disappoint! You may think you can run, but you will never hide. I’ll always be right behind you!”
How have I drawn so much attention to myself? I’m the person who likes to watch people from the corner of a room and narrate their lives based on a conversation that I can’t hear. I only see lips moving. What brings the spotlight in my direction? Is it just 15 minutes of fame? I hope like hell it’s not, because fame is not what I ordered.
People see things in me that I still today have trouble seeing in myself. Is this the “IT” I spoke of earlier? I once was scared to do anything out of my comfort zone. Now I’m more nervous than scared. Scared was a comfortable feeling for me. I know how to deal with scared. Nervous and excited is brand new to me. I have no clue how to deal with these feelings. Nervous is not my comfort zone.
So many people are depending on me. I’m not comfortable with that. It draws me back to a familiar saying, “Who am I trying to be good enough for?” I don’t want to be good enough for anybody else but me. I wished I believed this today. I feel as though all eyes are on me. I feel the need to crawl back into my cave with my comfy demons. Whether I feel nervous, excited or scared, I can’t let myself get comfortable with the demons. It feels like my head and my gut are in a tug of war and I can feel the pain straight through to my bones. If I could just make sense of it all, would it really make a difference?
Then I hear the familiar voices in my head, repeating the motivation that always keeps me moving forward.
“Just jump and the net will appear.” ~ Catalyst Tammy Ward
“What’s your superpower?” ~ Catalyst Aileen Uy
“Resist Nothing” ~ John Kim
There is too much going on and so many different thoughts. Way too many tabs opened in my mind, just like my computer.
I guess I should just trust “IT” for now and trust the universe will reveal itself, like it always does.