It Begins and Ends with Me
The memory of my childhood lives fresh in my mind, I can remember asking:
- WHY doesn’t she stop verbally abusing me?
- WHY does her hate have so much power in her fist?
- WHY did she drop me off and leave me to the beast?
- WHY did he allow the abuse to happen, as if he was blind to everything?
- WHY was I in that dark parking lot, too far away for people to hear me scream?
- WHY was I the only child out of six treated this way?
For years, those questions eroded my soul. They became excuses and justification for the challenges life threw at me.
The painful memories were my excuses to overeat and treat others horribly. They were the things that kept me from accomplishing goals. They manifested fear that keep me from living out my dreams. These memories overwhelmed my relationships because I blamed others for not loving me enough. As if it was their job to fix me.
I was unable to be truthful or transparent because I was constantly living in my mind from my childhood. I say “mind living” because; I was choosing to live in my child’s mind. It took me twenty years to realize my doubts, fear, and struggles all started with me. I was choosing to live in the memory of my inner child. I was continuing to act and be ashamed of the list of disrespectful words I called myself, the words that were embedded in me. I mean if my parents, the people who are supposed to love me no matter what, called me fat, ugly, stupid, slow, and taught me how to lie and manipulate people, wasn’t that who I was? Isn’t that ME?
Then the day came, the day I decided to take control of my life, the day I said, “No more!” As I began to figure out how I was going to do this, “It” happened. I hit that beautiful red brick wall, the wall that says, “WAKE UP!” I hit the wall that doesn’t move because it’s waiting for me to take hold of my jack hammer and break it down. I finally realized after all those years that the first hit of the hammer to break down the wall, started with ME.
With each hit, I tore down the words, I tore down the thoughts, I tore down the false teachings that built that red brick wall. I began to cradle the inner child and tell her “Everything will be alright” I rescued her. I began to forgive. I forgave me, for abandoning myself throughout my adult years. I forgave myself for allowing my inner critic to control so much of my life. I forgave the poor decisions I made, I forgave the acts of lies and manipulations I put on other people.
Eventually, I saw a beam of light through the brick wall. I changed the way I thought about my life, and that began to change the way I felt about life. It all started with ME. I’m reminded of this clip from sister Dang Nghiem “The Walls within” as it clearly demonstrates the process of the light shining through the brick wall.
I began to emotionally forgive my parents, family members, the bullies in school, and my rapist. I laid down the WHY questions and never allowed them to consume me again. Those words and those thoughts they no longer belonged to me anymore. I released the hate I had for myself. After all these years; I still chuckle at the realization that all it took for me to move forward, “ALL STARTED WITH ME.” – The Warrior.
It all begins with YOU. Find your Tribe at SHFT.