Life in the Catalyst Intensive: Journey
When I signed up for the Catalyst Intensive Course, I felt some anxiety. It wasn't huge. It felt more like anticipation. The feeling of holy shit, this is it. This is really happening. What does this mean for me? I can use this type of anxiety to propel myself past the lies I sometimes listen to. If I lean into it and move through it, I'll come out the other side stronger. That is a powerful feeling.
My other kind of anxiety gripped me the other day. It felt like a rock in the pit of my stomach. It was accompanied by a burning sensation in my throat and a tightness in my chest. What caused this anxiety? Mostly, my pseudo-self. The part of me who wants to make sure everyone is happy and nobody gets hurt by something I have said or done. The reason this type of anxiety reared it's ugly head was because I stepped outside of my comfort zone. I submitted a different blog, one on a deeper, personal level. This blog might cause judgement from those who aren't genuine friends. This blog might bring up feelings other people have been pushing down within themselves. This blog took courage to write and more courage to submit. But this blog doesn't need to cause me anxiety. This is my story to tell. I am proud of where I was and how far I've traveled. I told my inner child, "It's okay, I've got this." I told myself to be present in the moment. What did I see in front of me? What did the desk feel like? What was tangible and true? I knew this blog was raw and real. This blog was amazing.
The first few weeks of the Catalyst Intensive have flown by and we are now finishing Week #9. I feel like something bigger is happening. I am learning to work through the anxiety. I am learning there are many tools and techniques available to help me work through my fears. I am learning to take comfort in the friends who rally around me and support me when I need it. This place that John Kim created, this safe container, has allowed me to dig deep. I know I am supported and there is no judgment here. A couple of things that play repeatedly in the back of my head are words John Kim has shared many times. "We are not meant to do this alone." and "lean into the fear." Taking the Catalyst Intensive has been a huge step in the form of Self Love. It has set me on a path for the next level, something that I am proud to run towards.
This journey is mine alone, yet I share it with others who have come to mean the world to me.I know when my anxiety rears it's ugly head, I have a place to come. This place I lovingly refer to as home and the people I cherish as part of my family.