5 Questions to Ask Yourself About Moving On
At the end of the day, moving on comes down to one thing.
I know. It’s easier said than done. And I know you’ve probably heard this advice before. But here’s the key question I’d like you to ask yourself:
At what point will you decide you deserve and will accept a better standard for yourself?
This was the key and pivotal question I had to answer (and truly understand) when I was going through my season of challenge. As someone who is determined, loyal and stubborn, I thought for sure I could make any relationship work as long as I worked as hard as I could for it.
But here’s one thing I realized the hard way, I could only ever be and give 50% to that relationship. As my own relationship was expiring, I told myself:
“I can try for the both of us.”
“I am strong enough to carry both of us.”
“I can work harder to get him help.”
But the problem with these statements, were they all started with “I.” There was no “us” or “we” in these statements. And as much as you think you can change people, you can’t. You can only ever give 50% and the other person has to be willing to give their half to the relationship too.
Whether it’s a friendship, relationship, divorce, job, casual encounter or a traumatic event, moving on can only happen when you decide you want better for yourself. Here are five questions to ask yourself to help you decide whether it’s time to move on from a relationship
- Are you getting the basic respect a human deserves? – Let’s say you’re in a challenging relationship. Let’s say he or she is treating you horribly. One things remains, you are still a human and all humans deserve a basic sense of decency, compassion and respect. Think about your relationship with this person – is he or she treating you with basic respect & human decency? I believe we all have the capacity to be respectful human beings. I don’t care if you’ve known this person for 20 days or 20 years; if you’re not being respected or treated fairly by the other individual (and they refuse to change), you might want to ask yourself these follow-up questions:
- Are you willing to be disrespected by someone else?
- Is this how you would treat other people?
- If you were to coach, mentor, teach or give advice to a family member, child or best friend, would you tell them this is appropriate behavior to accept?
- If the answer to any of these is no, then you have an answer. It’s time to think about moving on.
- Are you living a “pretend” life and compromising your boundaries and authentic self to be a part of this relationship? – Sometimes, we pretend to impress others. That’s natural to humans sometimes. However, if you find yourself constantly “pretending” to be someone else just to keep someone else interested, ask yourself what you’re gaining as a result of compromising your authenticity. Are you compromising your values or belief system? If the answer is yes, then you know what to do. Living a falsehood to meet someone else’s expectations may seem tolerable, but at the end of the day, we all know how good we feel when we are living our authentic and best selves.
- Are you “chasing” more than “attracting?” – This by far might be one of my most favorite things that John Kim talks about as The Angry Therapist. When you set your energy to chase, you feel powerless, desperate and sometimes devalued. It becomes a huge energy drain when you’re constantly chasing that one person to accept you. “Attracting” means living your life power-filled through your truth and passions. This puts you in a positive state of confidence and authenticity. Wouldn’t you want to be with someone else who projects an “attract” vibe vs. a “chase” vibe? If you answered yes to “chasing” then it’s time to figure out what you’re actually chasing in the relationship and if its value will ever make the drain worth it.
- Are you both nurturing each other to be better versions of yourselves? – Does this relationship make you a better person? When we’re in relationships, friendships or even jobs with the right people, we often feel a lightness, flow and joy within us. We feel inspired, fulfilled, connected and appreciated. Better yet, when we feel these things from someone, we often also give this energy back to the relationship. The key here is if this is ongoing. I’m not talking about the one night or one moment this person made you feel this way – this should be something that flows from your relationship with them 80% of the time. If your answer to this question is no, then it’s time to think about moving on.
- Can you accept the possibility that there is someone who will love, accept & appreciate all of you? – When my marriage was expiring, I was certain I was going to lose “the one” I was supposed to be with. When you have that mindset, moving on becomes an impossible task. However, my good friend re-framed my dilemma and asked me to rethink the equation of finding love. The powerful conversation went something like this:
Friend: “How many people are there in the world?”
Friend: “Right. Let’s say there are 7.5 Billion people in the world. 3.4 Billion of them are men and 2.5 Billion of them are adults.”
Friend: “How many have you even met? 1,000? Maybe? Been close to? 25-50?”
Me: “Uhhhh…that’s probably a good guess.”
Friend: “For some reason, you married one of 2.5 Billion that didn’t work out. That sucks. You didn’t marry the one but married one of 2.5 Billion possibilities.”
Me: “OMG. You’re right.”
Friend: “…The best thing you can do is let it all go. Don’t let him take any more emotion and energy than he already has. There’s still a possibility of over 2 Billion other men out there that would be happy to make you their one.”
Me: Sobbing from the epiphany that my friend is right.
Friend: “And remember this. Sometimes you have to be violently shoved out of what you think is the best thing to be freed up for something better.”
That one conversation completely shifted my mindset and made me ask myself the same things I am asking you to ask yourself above. Are you being respected? Are you living a pretend life? Are you chasing more than attracting? Are you living the best version of yourself? Do you believe in possibility?
You cannot expect to receive the love, kindness, warmth or respect you’re not willing to give yourself. How you treat and what you allow for yourself sends a signal towards others and how they are allowed to treat you.
At the end of the day, I hope you know you are always worth more and you are always worth saving. There’s so much possibility that waits on the other side when you let go.
Take the leap and move on.
We’re here to help.