Finding Yourself Means Coming Undone

Finding Yourself Means Coming Undone

Sometimes we need to sink before we swim. Sometimes we need to hold our breath and hang on through the storm with our white knuckles ready to burst from the grip. Sometimes…just sometimes, we need to become completely undone.

I know what you’re thinking, what a frightening thought to allow yourself to unravel and become undone, right? Right! Sort of.

Undone, by definition, is simply not done or not finished. There have been periods in my life when I looked at the “light at the end of the tunnel” and thought, “when x task is complete then I will be done, I will be complete.” When I finished college, and was the first woman in my family to earn a B. A., I thought I was done. A few years later, I went to grad school and thought once I had my Master’s degree, I would be done. After grad school, I left for the other side of the world to experience life and thought when I get back, “I will be done and can begin my career.” I began my career as a mental health therapist and figured, “ok now, I am done.” As I move along my career path, I am finding even more opportunities developing as I am developing.

All of these things sound amazing and fulfilling, right? Each of these things were a result of my becoming undone.

Allow me to explain.

As a child, I was raised in a home where children were to be seen and not heard and you were not to speak unless spoken to. I learned to be pretty and be quiet. I learned women have a place in the home and not in the work place. I learned anyone older than me should be respected at any and all costs. I learned having a man in your life was vital for survival and marriage should be a prominent goal in life. I learned men were superior and could do as they pleased and women should do everything they could to make their man happy and accept the consequences of having a man in her life. I learned no matter what I did it was never enough. I learned not to trust anyone, even myself. I learned to live life in fear. I learned never to love too much because that love could be ripped away in an instant. I learned to have walls and I learned how to shut people out of my life. I learned sadness is a natural state of my being and nothing would ever change that. I learned I was alone in the universe and if I ever wanted to be saved, I needed to be the one doing the saving.

As I began to experience life, the way I wanted to experience it, things began to change for me. No, this is not something that was easy by any means. Stepping outside of our comfort zone rarely is an easy task. I needed to fight very hard to become the woman I am today. There was a part of my soul that had a yearning to be something else, someone else. I needed to unlearn all I had learned in order to become the person I wanted to be, I needed to become undone. Here are some things that I have learned along my journey…


Read that again!

Happiness is my natural state of being
I begin each day naming three things I am grateful for before my feet hit the floor and I end each night with three things I found joy in from the day. Doing this has changed my natural state of being.

Women have a place in any place they choose
Anatomy does not define a person’s worth, just as age or race does not define it either. Every human is human!

Tear down the walls brick by brick
Allowing myself to be vulnerable has allowed love and trust back into my life. It is scary at times, but I do it anyway!

Trust is a key that opens up a realm of possibilities
By learning to take chances and trust myself, I found new doors opening up. As I continue to trust others I am learning that I am heard.  The more I was heard, the more I began to speak…I was finding my voice. Oh My God…I have a voice!

Be beautiful, Be bold
I believe true beauty comes from within the soul and when that light shines through passion and purpose, there is nothing more spectacular. Speak your truth. The world needs to hear you!

Children have some of the most profound things to say…listen
If you really want to know about authenticity and transparency, listen to what a child is saying. I have learned children are both the world’s best lie detectors and tellers of truths. A child will tell you to get a mint because your breath smells like rotten eggs. A child will also tell you you’re beautiful on your worst day because they can see right into your soul.

Everyone deserves respect, including me
I choose to live life from a place of love and not disrespect anyone (every human is human…remember?). If I feel there is no respect from the other person…I use my voice to graciously bow out and that is ok!

My life, my relationships, my choice
The only relationship that I need to define my life, is the relationship I have with myself. Every other relationship I have had or will have along this journey is a bonus. I will not sacrifice my being for that of another’s happiness just to say I am in a relationship. Soulmates come in all forms and I have the best friends anyone could hope for.

Sometimes you will get hurt, love hard anyway
Love is sticky, and messy, and beautiful…never miss an opportunity to love with your entire being. Yes, it might hurt sometimes, but those in between times when it doesn’t, it is amazing!

Lean into fear and live
At one point in my life, I was afraid to go to the grocery store alone. I knew I could not live the remainder of my life this way, so I packed up my car and headed out on an 11 day camping adventure…alone! Guess what happened…I survived. Later in life, I traveled to the other side of the world alone and had the time of my life…lean in!

We are never truly alone!

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I am 43 years old and still figuring out my path. The most amazing lesson I’ve learned in life so far is life has nothing to do with the destination, crossing the finish line, or getting “done.” Life has everything to do with the journey. So breathe it in, soak it up, and live your life every damn day!

Would you like to come undone in order to live your best life? Schedule a session with Kerry.

We can also help you with the skills and tools you need to help others live their best life. Check out our Catalyst Coaching Intensive.

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